Vows

We never said, "for better or worse," but we've been through much worse, and we've had much better. For me our worst time was the first time we argued over marriage and children. Our best was our lunch dates when I was working at the nursery school.

We never said, "for richer or poorer," but we've been poorer. Remember when you wern't working and I quit my job to go back to school? Now we are both on track to keep earning more each year than the previous year.

We never said, "in sickness and in health," so thank you for your emotional support when I got really sick last year.

We never said, "to love and to cherish," and I don't think we have to. Every little kindness we do for each other says it better than words ever could.

We never said, "till death do us part," and that's fine. I prefer the phrase 'forever' anyway.

So what I want to know is this: Why won't you say these words to me?

Stay

You say that you're not leaving, but you don't ask me to stay. You gave me your cool purple pen, you gave me your fan, you gave me printer cartridges to recycle, you stayed hours past when you intended to leave so that you could give me a working computer. I appreciate the niceties. The little things that can never make up for the one big thing that you won't give me.

Don't people who are contemplating suicide tend to give their stuff away? No, I don't think that you would do that. What you are doing is more like relationship suicide. You are forcing my hand. It's not your fault. You won't marry me, right? So my options are: deal with it or dump you. And you won't even say, "I love you! Please stay."

the bedroom door

I don't understand what the big deal is. When I was a child we were never allowed to close a bedroom door except when changing clothes. Bathroom doors were not locked - mostly because there were more butts than toilets. The open door allows parents to seem like they are supervising even when they are busy somewhere else in the house. Now that my son is not in danger of being smothered by kitty, I open his bedroom door after he is asleep. I can check on him, the kitty can sleep on him, the air conditioning or heat can circulate better and I have a better chance of hearing him if he gets up in the night. I also like to leave my bedroom door open (after grown-up play time) for all the same reasons. I have my bath robe by the bed for quick cover-ups. My son knows to knock at the door and not enter. So why does M keep raising an eyebrow and telling me to close his door? Why do I wake in the morning to find a trapped kitty and my bedroom door not only shut, but locked?

Cat Nip

So....I'm sitting here blogging and my cat starts begging for a treat. I reach up for the bag of catnip, it's not there. It hasn't fallen. It's not one shelf lower. It's been moved. ARGH!!! Poor kitty is meowing like I haven't fed him in a week and weaving in and out of my legs. That doesn't help. Now I'm getting pissed. I go upstairs, and wake M up. "Where's the catnip?" "Behind the TV. He was meowing and trying to climb the bookshelves to get to it, so I moved it." I stare at him. It makes no sense...the tv is much lower, easier for kitty to get to and make a mess. "GO! Go get it" he says. Sometimes I want to punch him in the head.

WTF ?!?

So, I sent M a copy of the previous post...his comment, "that was nice." I wanted to get a comfy, mushy, loving feeling back for the weekend...nope. PS dear reader, it's been 18 years since that wonderful afternoon that I wrote about. Now he's gone, work stuff, much of the time, still refuses to marry me, and more and more I am finding worrisome evidence of emotional infidelity. He's getting texts at 12:30 in the morning to come over, he's signing emails to people other than me with "all my love".... WTF?

M, the begining

I first met M when I was 15. He was a hired singer at my church for Christmas. He was 20-something, breathtakingly handsome, polite, friendly, with an amazing voice, and all the adult women were batting their eyes. I was helping the choirmaster's husband locate decorations and carry supplies when M offered to help. He and I went out to their van to bring in more decorations and he gave me a jacket because it was drizzling. I was instantly smitten. I was also devastated moments later when his wife complained loudly, "Why is she wearing that jacket?!?" When he explained that he had given it to me and why, the look she gave me scared the hell out of me. I didn't speak to him again that year, but he was hired again the next two Christmases and my crush deepened.

The summer I turned 19 I lost my virginity to the choirmasters son. In an unrelated incident my brother had a minor accident in our family van involving someone's parked car. On Saturday morning my mom called M (and I still don't know how she had his number, and it weirds me out when I think about it too much) because he worked at a car repair shop and asked him to look at the damage. My brother chickened out at the last minute so I took the van over all alone. I was both excited and nervous to be going alone. M offered me a tour of his place: Kitchen, bathroom, living room, and finally the bedroom. I was in the doorway and he stood behind me and placed one had on my shoulder and said, "this is the bedroom, and that's my bed" then he guided me back facing the kitchen where I noticed that he had two loaded water guns sitting on the kitchen counter. To this day he insists that he had them because he was expected two kids and thought we'd enjoy them. He also insists that I started the water fight with him, and he could be right, my heart was racing, blood pounding in my ears, and having only had one sexual partener but having vast experience teasing I probably did start it. He finished it though- aiming only for my chest and private parts. When the guns were empty he reasized that he couldn't send me home in that condition and offered to put my clothes in the dryer. He took my shorts and teeshirt, but only gave me a long tee to put on. He returned from the dryer in the basement and stood behind me in front of a full length mirror. His hands barely touching my thighs, but burning me none the less. He kissed my neck and my knees went weak. I must have made some sort of sigh or moan, nothing I could hear above the sound of my blood pounding in my ears, but clearly he sensed my excitement. The borrowed shirt was removed, quickly followed by my bra and panties. My mind was racing: I should be home, I should say stop, I've never been persued like this, but oh my god is he beautiful - his arms, his chest, those abs then he took his shorts off and I saw him. It was big, really big and I was scared. I should tell him to stop, I should find my clothes, I shouldn't be letting his lips travel all over my body, but god it felt good and I couldn't help it. I was laying back on his bed and he was moving up my body, getting closer to a position that would mean penetration, and as I was about to stop him our eyes locked and I saw something there - he looked scared too, nervous and filled with awe - and my heart and willpower melted in that instant. He entered me, and while I had not been a virgin for several months, I had been celebit for the previous month and he filled me much more than my boyfriend had. It was an amazing experience. He never did look at the van.

Backgound

I am confused. I am scared. I am occasionally suicidal. I am frustrated. I am downtrodden. I am horrified. I am pissed off. I am angry. I am Mai.