R-e-s-p-e-c-t

I am who I want to be when I am at work. I am smart, confident, and helpful. I know what I am doing, my colleagues look to me for clarification on the ever-changing rules, they ask for my help with computer issues. I smile constantly. I sing in the hallways. I am the one who takes concerns and issues directly to the principal. Even my walk demonstrates my self-esteem, confidence and happiness. I think you would be attracted to this woman, even though you are not interested in the wishy-washy doormat that I have become at home. As a strong, independent woman I see something that I want. You. It's not just the sex, I love talking with you, discussing movies, news and life. I enjoy scrabble and online games with you. I have grown accustomed to your reluctance to go out in public - beach, pool, park. I like just sitting next to you reading books together. (or grading papers)

I spent the weekend at my friends' house. There was music, dancing, BBQ and conversation in 3 languages. I found myself drawn to the pile of children starting to quibble and squawk at each other... I pulled out the volleyball/badminton set my sister gave me, and kept them busy for an hour or so, then turned on a movie I had netflixed for the weekend and brought them all food waitress style so that the grown-ups could talk and visit. The next day I found myself with two wrenches, a screwdriver, a bike pump and a hex key set adjusting and fixing several bikes so that everyone had something to ride. I thought about you. I thought, if you were there I would have been sent inside, you would have been doing that instead of me, partly because they are my friends, partly becuase you are shy, and partly because -like me- you enjoy helping the youngest one ride without training wheels or playing badminton with the teenager who was too old to play with the kids but not old enough to sit with the adults.

I don't want to be wishy-washy at home anymore, but I feel like you have cultivated that behavior in me. Anytime I put my foot down about something: my son, bills, marriage, you remind me that we are not married and that you are only around as long as you feel welcome here. It is truly a nasty passive-agressive stance to tell me that something is my choice while reminding me that if I choose something (or say something) that you don't like, you'll just leave. Even if you don't want to be legally married, I need you to purposfully and meaninfully decide that you want to be with me and only me. I need the freedom to say, "hey...clean up your books" or "I don't like that" or whatever without your threatning to leave me for treating you mean. I need the ability to bring a concern forward and have a discussion with you about how to resolve it that doesn't begin and end with, "maybe some other guy would be better for you." I need you to start conversations about issues you see instead of keeping them inside and telling yourself that we'd be better off apart. There needs to be mutual respect, mutual comitment and a mutual desire to be together.